I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
