i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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