You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
