i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
