Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
