my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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