If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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