cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
