my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just pee around me
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
