Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
