Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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