3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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