I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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Did you bedazzle the elevator?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
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OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize