the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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