last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
