The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's even glitter on my cock...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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