I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
