It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Someone shattered a urinal.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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