fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my shit smells like andre
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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