Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
