So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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