No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
