did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
