I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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