everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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