I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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