Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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