I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You made out with two different species that night
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
