the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
