Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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