And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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