Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
