I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
