I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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