There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
