I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
