he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
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But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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