I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
