so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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