You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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