Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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