he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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