what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
