Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Found your dick twin last night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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