Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
