the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
