Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt