I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.