took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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