I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cut my penus on the lid.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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