She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
