I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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