i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
