There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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