Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
