i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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