This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
