the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He? As in you personified your dick?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
